CNN, We're Breaking Up.

It’s Not Me. It’s You.

We need to talk. I’ve tried to stick with you, truly. Through the rebrands, anchor swaps, graphics made for a game show, and panel discussions that go in circles like a Roomba with commitment issues. But I can’t anymore.

This isn’t a rough patch. It’s a full-blown identity crisis. I’m tired of being in a relationship where one of us is constantly trying to be “balanced” while the house is on fire and you’re asking the arsonist if he wants equal airtime.

I used to turn to you for facts, clarity, and actual journalism. Now I turn you on and wonder if I’ve accidentally tuned into a corporate-sponsored improv show titled “Both Sides Have a Point,” deeply committed to saying nothing at all in high definition.

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On Monday, word leaked that Mark Thompson came back from the White House and told the newsroom to “lay off the East Wing demolition” stories. Gross. Predictable. But then, Kaitlan and Anderson didn’t listen. In fact, they doubled down. I thought: Maybe there’s hope.

Then today happened.

First, a clip of Speaker Mike Johnson (America’s beige threat) declaring that Republicans are urging the DOJ to investigate Biden’s autopen. Yes. The autopen. The thing every president since Truman has used without issue. Suddenly, it’s a national emergency.

Next, James Comer. Being interviewed. By Jake Tapper. About the autopen.

I could hear No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” hovering over my head. “No, no, I don’t want this to end.” But it was ending.

Like a last gasp of breath, Jake spoke with Rep. Melanie Stansbury (D). Bless her, she lit him up. Tore through the nonsense with clarity, fire, and actual moral grounding.

Each sentence he uttered was worse than the last. He knows better. YOU know better. He leaned in and said:

“If you’re so concerned about SNAP benefits running out, why not ask the Democrats to open up the government?”

What happened to the snarky, truth-to-power Jake who asked hard questions? If he’s not off somewhere eating small children, I can only assume Jake’s now sitting on Scott Jennings’ lap, with Scott working his jaw like a ventriloquist at a Heritage Foundation fundraiser.

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I haven’t changed. I still want reporting that informs and challenges. You changed. I’ve spent way too long hoping you’d return to who you were, but I should’ve just changed the channel.

So yeah, it’s not me. It’s you.

Kaitlan, Anderson, Abby, Erin… and yes, even Wolf, I’ll miss you. But I can’t let you drag me down with you. Dana and Jake? You don’t get my goodbyes. You’ll have to live with yourselves.

I’ll remember the good times: when Chris Cuomo handed off the night to Don Lemon with a sincere “I love you, brother.” When Jim Acosta still made liars sweat. There were moments. Meaningful ones. But they’re over.

These days, I spend my time with Don and Jim on Substack, where they still speak like people, not algorithms in makeup. It’s time to let you go.

Like the red balloon Georgie released in It, I’m setting CNN free. Only I’m not sticking around to get dragged into the sewer by a shape-shifting cable clown in pancake makeup and a “Breaking News” banner that never turns off.

I’m out.

Yours in Substack,

Beth